Did an international celebrity win the monthly prize? Is the witness protection program involved?
By Andrew Harris
Every month in 2023, Wellsville’s locally owned lumber and hardware store, Fassett Lane Lumber, draws a name from hundreds of entries. The lucky winner gets $100 in-store credit for the next project or new tool purchase. Already in 2023, Fassett Lane has awarded several very well known local homeowners and contractors the monthly prize. But the drawing for the May winner was different.
Normally, co-owner Dan Peters, makes an announcement with a picture of the happy winner. Not this month, and Peters really can’t say why except two words: “Top Secret.”
The winner won’t be made public, can’t be made public according to Fassett Lane. Of course it becomes our job to ask the obvious question: Why not ? Is this winner a celebrity? Maybe a wanted criminal? Under government protection?
Our investigation reveals that it could be all three possible reasons. When we asked for security camera footage, Peters reported that “someone” hacked into their security system and deleted all the video that contained this mystery winner.
We asked to interview the staff who personally saw the winner come pick up the $100 prize. They obliged our questions but all clearly stated that the winner sent two men, sort of like the Men in Black, pulled up in a limo, grabbed the loot, and drove off. Of note, the limo had Hawaii license plates.
As our investigation continued to stall, the phone rang yesterday and a caller, clearly using a voice distortion device, very sternly said:
“Stop asking questions about the recent Fassett Lane winner. Stay in your lane or we will shut your fake news site down.”
Not to be deterred by threats, we hired a private security firm to track down the caller. Phone records indicated that the call came from from Langley, Virginia and was a U.S government registered number.
Was it the CIA? The US Marshalls Service?
Intrigued? So is the team at Fassett Lane but they will keep the generosity going for the rest of 2023 despite the mysterious May winner.
Anyone can win, just stop in the store and enter the contest, no purchase is necessary to win.
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If you happen to see that black limo with Hawaii plates, please do not approach the vehicle and contact us immediately.
